I Am Not an Artist

On my baseball blog yesterday, I wrote about me spending hours a few nights ago looking through some old baseball cards and subsequently relishing those uber cool cartoons that once inhabited the backs of many of the older cards.

One I found particularly fun was the 'toon on the back of my 1958 Topps card Pee Wee Reese.

I began to do a little research when I found a Jim Caple ESPN.com column on the cartoon topic from last summer. Caple's column is a great read, and it contains a handful of card-toons about modern-day players fabricated by ESPN illustrators.

Caple mentions a few of the artists by name and provides a few details about their work and pay and such, but I'd like to do a little more research on some of those artists. And I'd really like to know who drew the cartoons for the 1958 Topps set. So if anyone knows, send me a note.

I tend to think it would be great fun to be an artist who developed some of those 'toons, but after reading Caple's article you learn that perhaps there wasn’t a lot of fun involved.

Still, I'm fascinated by the process and the product.

Now, I'm no artist, as you can see below, but I wanted to sit down and quickly sketch a card cartoon. I had to come up with a quirky idea, and all I could think of at the time was the stories of Hideki Matsui's massive pornography collection. Yeah, that was the best I could do.

Anyway, here's the result of my quick work. Please, all you serious artists out there, don't think I'm trying to pass this off with any hint of seriousness.

Random Wednesday

Bonds and Clemens? Heck Yeah!

Would you vote Barry Bonds into the baseball Hall of Fame?

How about Roger Clemens?

The National Baseball Writer's Association of American released today its 2013 Hall of Fame ballot and Bonds and Clemens are among this year's new candidates. Among the many names, new and leftover candidates, joining the scandal-plagued duo are Aaron Sele, Rondell White and Todd Walker.

Seriously!

Nothing against those guys. They each had stellar careers, but not what I would consider Hall of Fame worthy.

I'm not a big Hall of Fame guy, but when considering whom I might vote for, if I had a vote, I like employing the wife test. It's a good indicator, but definitely not the exclusive, end-all text. If my wife doesn't know a player, that's a strike against them.

My wife has no idea who Todd Walker is. I barely remember him.

But she does know Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.

Those guys, despite the alleged performance enhancing drug use, belong in Cooperstown.

I know it’s a tired argument to say they both had HOF numbers before they turned, we suppose, to PEDs, but it's true.

And, yes, you can say they cheated the game, particularly Bonds and his destroying the all-time home run record.

But the truth Bonds and Clemens were outstanding, all-world baseball players. They both dominated in their sport.

Say what you will about the ethics of the performance enhancing drug use. Should that be considered in the voting? On some level, I guess it should.

However, Bonds and Clemens, PED use or not, where great ballplayers who deserve to be recognized with baseball's highest honor.

Damn you, Angel Pagan. Because of you, I'm hooked on Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Tacos. You remember Free Taco Tuesday, right? Taco Bell ran a promotion during the World Series stating if any player stole a base during the series, the restaurant would give away a free Doritos Loco Taco. Sure enough, Pagan swiped second in Game 2, and I loaded my wife and kids and into the car and drove straight to Taco Bell on giveaway day. We weren't expecting much, but those things were/are delicious. Taco Bell gave away the regular Doritos Locos Tacos, but I recommend upgrading to the supreme. Should Taco Bell send me a check for this advertisement? Yes. Yes, it should.

Out goes Maryland; in comes Louisville: To the ACC, that is. I know Maryland is one of those traditional ACC schools and many hate to see the university leave for the Big 10. But you gotta believe this swap, Louisville for Maryland, is a win for the ACC. Right? That's especially true when you consider football and basketball. And really, what other sports are considered in these near-daily conference realignments? Maryland has had success in hoops, but they don't bring much to the table football wise. Louisville, on the other had, is steadily becoming a football power of sorts to go along with its basketball team, which usually ranks high in the top 25 polls. The Cardinals are currently ranked fifth in the AP Top 25 hoops poll.

And look, I know everything revolves around football – it's the money maker – but I really like how the ACC is shaping up once again to be a basketball powerhouse conference. Already the conference has North Carolina, Duke and North Carolina State, all of which are in the current AP Top 25, and then next year it adds Pittsburgh and Syracuse, and then Louisville comes along shortly. And then there's talk of possibly adding the University of Connecticut, but the decision by the ACC to add Louisville may have bumped UConn for the moment. Oh, don't forget Notre Dame soon will be a conference foe for ACC basketball members.

Fulham has to get a win today at Chelsea. After a nice start to the season, Fulham has had a tough go of it at late. Here's hoping Martin Jol's club can put together a good 90 minutes today at Stamford Bridge. I almost took the day off to watch the match on Fox Soccer, but next week is my wife's birthday, and to keep in good standing, I'm taking off that day instead. #comeonfulham

Kill the Podcast App Now!

Who at Apple decided it was a good idea to develop a separate app for podcasts? @#$%! I drive more than two hours a day too and from work, and I listen to a lot of podcasts, and this app has totally ruined my listening experience. Many times I think I have downloaded podcasts only to find those are not in my library. Where'd they go? Heck if I know. I guess using iTunes for podcasts was way too easy, so someone decided if it's not broke, let's try to fix it. Come on, Apple. Get your stuff together or Steve Jobs may come back punch someone in the neck.

Oh My Goodness Gracious. Andy Pettitte is coming back. At least that's what I'm seeing on my Twitter feed. According to a CBS Sports tweet, the lefty has signed a one-year deal for $12 million. Tonight's Powerball winner is going to look at that and laugh.

By the way, I love Tottenham's all-white look at White Hart Lane. Hotspur lead Liverpool – don't ya just hate Liverpool? – 2-0 in the 29th minute as I write this.

The quote of the day  month  year comes from Cleveland Cavaliers coach Byron Scott who had this to say after his team's loss 91-78 loss to Phoenix Monday night:

"Andy Varejao was fantastic. Everybody else sucked tonight."

Ok, I gotta stop writing and post this before all the above gets old.

Smash Goldman's Computer Before He Writes About the Knicks Again

The New York Knickerbockers are 8-1 and playing great basketball.

I know it's way early, but they look to be strong contenders in the NBA's Eastern Conference.

Everything seems to be clicking for this year's team. They're playing great defense. Melo looks willing to take on any role each night to help his Knicks, our Knicks dammit, thrive.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to watch the team roll the Brooklyn Nets next week. I mean it was great watching them beat Miami on opening night, but…

Wait!

Could I have possibly just jinxed the Knicks by lackadaisically predicting they would "roll the Brooklyn Nets" next week?

Nah. I don't believe in jinxes.

But you know what?

I got awfully close to believing in some kind of weird, wacky voodoo force yesterday when I was strolling through the library where I work and, just by chance, picked up a large blue book containing a collection of several "New York" magazines from 1994.

I flipped through the pages and saw a photo of Patrick Ewing with his arms raised toward the Madison Square Garden roof with a headline that read: Can the Knicks Repeat? (After They Win This Year, That Is).

Now, I'm not a New Yorker – I just happen to be a Knicks fan living in Virginia – so I had never seen this article. I have to say, yeah, I was a bit stunned. (I could hardly work the rest of the day.)

We Knicks fans all remember that season. We, I mean the Knickerbockers, got so close to winning the title. Mark Messier had already seemingly willed the Rangers to a Stanley Cup title, and we were sure Ewing could and would do the same for us orange and blue faithful.

But a strange thing happened on the road to the title.

Several John Starks jumpers clanged off the rim in Game 7 of the NBA Finals, and the Houston Rockets – good lord, the Houston Rockets – were world champs.

Sorry, John, we can't really blame it all on you, but you were a pretty reasonable scapegoat back then. After all, you did kill it in Game 6.

After I saw the "Can the Knicks Repeat?" article, I was right then ready to go back 18 years and blame its author William Goldman – yeah, the guy who wrote The Princess Bride – for the jinxing the team. You know, Freakonomist Stephen Dubner edited the article, so I was ready to blame him, too.

But as I said earlier, I don't believe in jinxes. However, this, my friends, nearly made me a believer.

Now as the Knicks roll along – they crushed New Orleans Tuesday night like a good team should squish a bad team – let's hope the team can stay healthy and continue to improve.

They're not the most dominant team in the NBA or even the East – that's still the defending champions Miami Heat – but they certainly look to be building a championship-contending squad.

Now, let's just somehow find a way to keep Goldman from writing a sequel to his '94 article. 

Smells Like Yankees Spirit

This smells a bit funky.

New York Yankees super closer Mariano Rivera, battling his way back from a torn ligament in his right knee, tossed his first pitches from a mound recently while, get this, filming a commercial for his new fragrance.

Did that process? While filming a commercial for cologne!

Rivera reportedly threw 25 pitches from the mound, all knuckleballs (ok, I made that up) while filming the spot for a product that is part of the Yankees official fragrance collection.

Check out the black and white video below and see the all-time saves leader toss a slow motion pitch on a snow-covered field.

Why was their snow? Just curious.

One a side note: It seems something funky happens when the bat hits the ball, but I can't figure it out. It looks a little weird.

Oh yeah, I got. It's rare a bat hits a ball thrown by Mariano Rivera.

(That's just dumb.)

Bottom of the Sixth, Topless Mae West

How steaming mad would your wife be if each year, a super hot movie star, let's say Scarlett Johansson in this instance, offered up to you her best holiday wishes via a Christmas card that included a photo of her, you know, totally buck naked?

My wife would pop me with the sweet spot of a Louisville Slugger.

But you know whose wife, or so she claimed, did not get ticked off?

Beans Reardon's wife, Eugenia, that's who.

I've been researching through a bit of baseball history recently and came across Beans, a National League umpire from 1926 to 1949. He was known for his beer drinking (not on the diamond, I hope) and strong language (you bet that happened on the diamond). He was behind the plate when Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run.

Scarlett Johansson, not Mae West

From what I gather from a little research, the Boston native – yeah, tha's how he got the nickname Beans – lived a spectacular life.

You may not know the name Beans Reardon, but you've seen him.

You remember the Norman Rockwell 1949 Saturday Evening Post cover and paiting "Bottom of the Sixth" featuring three umpires standing together under a slight rain? Beans, with his face all scrunched up, is the umpire in the middle.

In addition to appearing in Rockwell paintings, Beans owned an Anheuser-Busch beer distribution business – he later sold it to Frank Sinatra – and he appeared in several movies.

That brings us back to Mae West.

Beans and West were friends, and according to rumors or whatever, West was said to have sent nude photos of herself to Beans each year at Christmas.

Reading about Bean's life, all of his accomplishments and what not, this is the item that piqued my curiosity, as you can imagine.  

So I dug a little deeper and found an interesting Los Angeles Times story from way back in 1988 about Bean's wife, Eugenia, who in the interview confirms Mae West annually sent nude photos of herself, or as Eugenia suggest in the article, the same photo each year, to her husband.

Mae West

And apparently, Beans enlarged the photo and hung it on his den wall.

The last paragraph of the aforementioned L.A. Times story places Eugenia in the den, describing the room's contents"

"And Beans, who also was an actor, can be seen with Gary Cooper and other movie stars on a wall dominated by a large nude picture of Mae West. 'She always sent him a copy of that picture every Christmas,' Eugenia said. 'No, I was never jealous.'"

Phone Rings...

Me: Hello.

Caller: Hey, Chad. It's Malcolm.

Me: Oh, hey Malcolm.

Caller: Remember yesterday we were talking about the AL Manager of the Year nominees and you said you thought Bob Melvin was a shoo-in?

Me: Sure. I remember, but…

Caller: I read your post earlier today predicting the winners. What made you change your mind to Buck Showalter?

Me: I tried to think like the voters, I guess, and I flip flopped.

Caller: Haven't I always told you to trust your instincts, go with your initial gut reaction?

Me: Right. I just thought… you know, it was a close vote. Buck was a close second.

Caller: Forget today. It's past. Tomorrow's the Cy Young awards. You picked Verlander and Dickey. Stick with your gut and don't blink on those decisions.

Me: You got it, Malcom. I won't change my picks again.

Caller: Ok. Later, dude.

Call ends. I go back to eating pizza.

Jimmy Rollins is Fruits and Nuts

Pardon me, but Jimmy Rollins just made me laugh.

Not the way Eddie Murphy used make me laugh when I'd sneak and listen to "Comedian" while my parents were in another room.

"You don't got no ice cream. You can't afford it…" Remember that?

Hahahahahaha!

No, Jimmy made me laugh like… well, like the eye-rolling laughs I used to have when my buddy Dan would tell me about his many, ahem, encounters with girls when we were in high school.

Now, Jimmy isn't sitting here with me at the palatial 108 Stitches World Headquarters, talking $#!t about how his Philadelphia Phillies are going to dominate the National League East for the foreseeable future.

No, of course he's not here, but he did talk that crazy talk at a charity event Monday.

CSNPhilly.com today has this gem from the Philadelphia short stop:

"It still runs through Philly. [Washington] had one year to win it. It was just like when the Mets took it from Atlanta, it was still up for grabs. I'm sure Atlanta felt it was still theirs, but fortunately we were able to come in and take it the next five years."

Click over and read the entire story. It has a lot of "ifs" and "buts" about how the Phillies could have won the NL East had they remained healthy throughout the season.

Psst!

You know what they say about ifs and buts and fruits and nuts.

Merry Christmas, Jimmy!

Crow's Answer on Target

Cue the laughter.

Go ahead. Make your jokes.

On Thursday, when New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie told NFL Network his team would make the playoffs, you knew the media would jump on the statement.

Cromartie was asked in the interview if he thought his 3-5 team would play its way into the postseason.

"The Jets will make the playoffs this year," Cromartie responded. "We believe in each other; we believe in what coach Ryan and his staff is putting us to schemes and stuff, so we definitely are going to make the playoffs this year."

That's darn good answer if you ask me. But because of the Jets' propensity toward bold, and sometimes seemingly outlandish, predictions under head coach Rex Ryan, confident-in-my-team statements like Cromartie's are going to be overly scrutinized.

Fair enough. As a Jets fan, I have grown uber sick of hearing predictions from Jets' players and coaches, especially Ryan.

But, man, I have to stick up for Crow here. I'd much rather hear his statement, which is no where near a "guarantee" as some media outlets have labeled it, than a Jeterian-like response of, "we can't worry about the playoffs right now. We have to take one game at a time, and play our beast… blah, blah, blah."

You play… to win… the Big Mac

McDonald's

Ok, that's not exactly what Herm Edwards said 10 years ago, but it's what Joakim Noah was shooting for Tuesday night.

Here's the deal: each game the Chicago Bulls score 100 points at home in the United Center, McDonald's hands out a coupon for a free Big Mac to everyone in attendance. On Tuesday, with the Bulls leading the Orlando Magic 99-93, Noah heaved up a three-pointer with 3.8 seconds to play in hopes of scoring two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun for everyone.

“I got caught up in the moment,” Noah said after the game. “I regret it a little bit. It wasn’t a good shot."

The Bulls got to 99 points when Noah made one of two free throws with 23 seconds to play. Maybe missing that one free throw, leaving the crowd 1-point shy of free burgers, put a little pressure on Noah at the end of the game.

Bulls Head Coach Tom Thibodeau was on Jim Rome's radio show today and didn't sound pleased with Noah's late-game shot selection, saying only that he had talked with Noah about the shot.

Lighten up, fellas. 

There were less than four seconds left to play and the Bulls had a six point lead when Noah's shot clanked.

The game was over. Times are tough, and dammit, people gotta eat.

Elation, Devastation Just Fingertips Apart

Dez Bryant's magic moment slipped away in an instant, right through his arms, out his fingertips and onto the turf of Cowboys Stadium.

The white portion of the turf, not the blue.

That's what happened when the Dallas Cowboys' receiver made a miraculous end zone catch that, in the moment, appeared to give his team a much-needed win over their NFC East rival New York Giants.

As Cowboys fans rejoiced and Giants fans bemoaned their first loss ever to Dallas in the Boys' sparkling new-ish stadium, those of us watching on TV saw, through instant reply, disputable evidence of the on-field call.

Just before Bryant landed, his fingertips touched the out-of-bounds line at the back of the blue end zone.

Giants fans, I'm sure, at viewing the Fox slow-motion instant replay, screamed "that's not a bleepin' touchdown" while at the same time worrying officials in charge of reviewing the matter would not see what was plain to their Big Blue eyes.

In that same frame of time, the hope of Cowboys fans ended in a sudden, fiery crash as if Bryant's landing fingers pushed the detonator switch.

I'm neither a Cowboys fan nor a Giants supporter, but I have two good friends who are die-hard fans, nearly from birth I'm guessing, of each of those teams. I asked them what went through their minds when they saw Dez leap and catch the ball and then again moments later when the replay clearly showed the receiver's fingertips land out of bounds before the rest of his body plunged to the end zone.

First up, let's hear from the winning side. (We'll save the drama for the end.)

Here's Giants fan, Keith, via an elated email from Connecticut:

"Years off my life, dude. My stomach lining was shot after that seesaw roller coaster 'hurricane' of a divisional hated rivalry game. I went from 'wow, I can't believe this is gonna be another surprise road blowout, ala Niners' to 'wow, I can't believe we're not killing them 35-0' to 'oh lord, we're actually gonna blow this whole thing to Tony 'check out my Mark Sanchez Halloween costume' Romo and the Cowboys' to an ultimate 'phhheeewww, sure glad the clock finally says :00 and we still have the lead' ..... my father-in-law and buddy were crushed by that loss. So as a riches of spoils Giants fan, still can't help but feel a little guilty, but also even more than that, extremely selfishly happy."

No now, here's Chad from Tennessee (who actually admits to doing housework) in an email, presenting the Cowboys' side:

"So,...I don't even watch the first 15 min of the game because I KNOW we’re going to be beat by probably 20 or 23 points.

I finish up with my housework...and I actually sit down to watch them go down by 23. I'm not upset...I expected this to happen.

I begin to hope that Tony Romo would just get hurt at one point I remember.

So I go up to my parent's house for my great aunt's birthday party.....I sit and watch the TV with the mute on,....I eat and walk around and keep watching this come back... we get the ball back at the end...I'm thinking...NO WAY we go that far and score… then I start to think about the last time I've seen this done by any team...and Tom Brady comes to mind...and he makes it look so easy, the guy is always wide open and they end up scoring and winning.

So the ball's in the air...and I'm thinking...ok great...he better get it in the end zone...and I see Dez...thinking...he's doubled covered...then I see the one Giant jump too early...and I think ....looks like the ball is going in between them....and for a second I think Dez won't catch it...then I see he did catch it !!!!!

I jump up..as my thumb is turning the volume up to 80 and I scream out. Luckily, others in the room were watching as well so I didn't scare everyone. Then I look at his butt and see it lands in the blue...then I see another angle and see his hand...and I'm like...it’s out...his hand touched first....no good..... 

The play goes to replay and I just sit there and think...ok,..no way we do that again...it's over...but, I'll sit here... Then my 16-year-old niece tells me it's all over Twitter that Nick Saban is going to coach the Cowboys next year. And as crazy as that is...the thought crosses my mind if that would do anything...and I know it won't because Jerry is still in charge and he'll tell Saban he's crazy and a fight will break out and Saban goes back to college and we don't have a coach again....

Replay is over...and what do you know......no TD. I turn the channel to Sunday Night Football, gather children and go home to never discuss it again until right now."